Running Equipment for Chasing

Rejoinder on “Chasing someone: The dilemma between the player and the game”

Huh, people enjoy my article again. Alright, let’s write a rejoinder to answer a long comment.

Battle of Sexes

When it comes to the ghosting part, I feel like the battle of the sexes or the stag hunt theory is also suitable to explain the ghosting. Battle of Sexes, well if you go with me then I win but if I come with you I lost. Ghosting I think happens when I choose to go with you and there's so much of me to adjust in order to be with you, so I decided to cut the relationship because there's too much effort if I want to be with you (0,1). While Stag Hunt is also interesting to explain about the ghosting because when we're being ghosted, it's because the other hunters decided to not pursue the stag with us, maybe they don't even see the stag is important for them, or they think that they want to hunt the stag, just not with us. probably because we're not a compatible partner for them, idk. But it's very interesting that game theory can be applied in modern relationships :)

It’s interesting to see how we’ve come to the same conclusion that we can apply game theory in modern relationships. Or more generally, how we can apply behavioral science to romantic relationships. I’ve known this since I used the idea of sunk-cost fallacy and loss aversion to explain why people stay in relationships, including dysfunctional ones.

In regards to stag hunt and the battle of sexes, I think I get what you’re trying to say. In a way, it’s a matter of value. Your judgment is accurate when you pointed out that some people do want to have a relationship, just not with us. Sometimes, it’s hard to accept that fact. And yeah, when the mismatch is too big, one has to morph themselves into somebody else before being with the person that they ghosted. And exactly as you pointed out, sometimes it’s too much effort.

Although, one can argue that’s an honest signal. In a way, if they’re willing to adapt to the other person, it’s a sign that you must’ve liked this person. I’m gonna have to write about this in further detail.

The Downside of Secrecy

on Secrecy & Commonality: !!! Goddd, I think secrecy and the asymmetrical information is what makes the PDKT exciting and full of adrenaline rush because there are just too many things you don't know so it's exciting to get to know the other person. But on the other hand, I feel like, the secrecy is what makes the ghosting become more and more hurtful because you got this shock element when the other person decided to surprisingly cut you off without any warning. Because they did not give any warning at all through their verbal words (unless you have seen the signals and you keep denying them because you've been blinded by your plethora of love for the girl).

Yup. And as you’ve said it does have its downside. Although, one needs to realize the downside is usually on the person that has the asymmetrical information. Cause they’re the ones that disclose their intentions, they’re also the ones that get the most negative impact from suddenly being cut off without any warning.

But yeah, sometimes you’re blinded by it. After all, the gorilla experiment shows that selective attention is a real phenomenon. Chances are this happens in our romantic life as well.

I just want to win

But I feel like, again.... deep down we always know whether the other person actually compatible with us or not. Even from the very first week. But we always choose to brush the signals off because this person ticks all the relationship expectations that we have in the back of our heads (remember 500 Days of Summer Movie?). Sometimes when things did not work out, I always ask myself, 'you try so hard to make this person like you. but do you even like this person, that much?' and surprisingly the answer is the opposite—I don’t like the person that much, I knew we just weren't compatible, but if I’m ghosted it feels like it hurts my pride because I’m losing in a game I started when I employed so many strategies to win this game. It hurts because, maybe, I expected myself to win, not because I actually want that person.

Yup, this is probably one of the most insightful comments so far. Because I think a lot of people can relate to it. This is why when talking about ghosting in my second article, I said that the reason why people deny it is because they knew, instead of “they didn’t know because they deny it”. Most people can feel it.

And to those who don’t know the scene in 500 Days of Summer, here’s the one.

“Just because she likes the same bizarro crap you do, doesn't mean she's your soul mate.”

And yes, as you pointed out, sometimes when you’re the one that started the chasing, you’re the one that has more investment put into it. Hence, just like a sunk cost, you want to keep going until you “win” while in reality, you might not even have any feelings for this person. Or you might have feelings for them that are in your mind, not the real person. Which I’ve experienced multiples time :)

Here’s what I want to add though, and I don’t know if people can relate to this or not, but sometimes I’m greedy. This means that I might know beforehand that I’m not compatible with them, but I still try anyway. From that experience (chasing someone that you know is not compatible with you), you’ll learn a lot. For example, you get to ask yourself, “Okay, why do I have a mismatch with this person? Is it something I can change or is it something fundamental to myself? Even if I can change it, would I even want to?”

Then, you start to see all of your flaws and why people wouldn’t want to be with you in general. However, the interesting part is the characteristic that you know you can change for you to be compatible with this person, yet you don’t want to. Why is it interesting? Because again, not many people would do it.

Take, for instance, small talk. I’m willing to make a bet if I get good at it, I would be more compatible with a lot of people. What about humor? Having an income? Knowing how to drive? Since all of these skills require time to acquire them, if I were to do it, I better pick the right one.

Stability in The Environment

Really loved how you pointed out that taaruf and friends with benefits as concrete examples of commonality because there are shared information and clear expectation in the beginning. I feel like it's clear, stable, and predictable, but we often associate them with no love element inside those things, because the love we watch in movies and series, involves the what-ifs, the confusion, the heartbreaks, the chasing and winning the other person's heart (you know, the asymmetrical game, the secrecy).

Because we’re romantics. We prefer love that is familiar to the ones that are strange to us. This can be problematic because often what’s familiar to us is the kinda love that is dramatic. As you pointed out, healthy relationships might be boring as hell. This is also what I talked about in my article on players and what makes them exist in the first place is that we can get addicted to experiences that are pleasurable despite being bad for us.

Is this tragic? Yes. As I’ve said: Human, All Too Human.

Modern Romance

I think how we perceive love in this modern time is kind of distorted because we often put the spotlight on love stories that require drama, but we don't put so much spotlight on the love that feels stable and predictable (taaruf, etc), don't you think? It’s always the confusion and having to kejar-kejaran dulu di bandara and proving how much you're willing to go further for the other person, then they finally get together in the end..... why can't we just appreciate the love that feels stable, we know all the information beforehand (symmetrical), a love that feels simple and predictable? hahaha

Because it takes a certain level of maturity to pull that off. To some extent, it means to have a high degree of self-respect that you might not possess before. It also means you gotta stop playing the game only for the short term.

Unfortunately, most people don’t have those characteristics. I personally don’t. Until we do, we’re gonna keep playing this game in a way that won’t necessarily benefit us or even the other person.

That’s all from me.